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Fiction - The Utopian
Author	Message
GL33k_Kidko Joined: Mon Jun 30, 2008 12:30 pm Posts: 341 Location: Austin, Texas	Re: Fiction - The Utopian Hmm... I'd love a graphic novel adaptation! _________________ Global Agenda Audio Designer 2007-09
Thu Feb 05, 2009 6:31 pm

Eucharos Alpha Tester Joined: Wed Oct 29, 2008 10:38 pm Posts: 148 Location: IL (Home) / IA (School) Steam Gamer Name: Cross	Re: Fiction - The Utopian xzaph wrote: TheRagingGerbil wrote: Quote: Sensing his colleague’s uneasiness, Markov interjected, “Citizen, do you enjoy your lessons here at the youth crèche?” “I understand their relevance to my education,” he replied before the realization set in that the assistant had used his first name to address him. Swiveling in his chair to face Markov, he added, “but I abhor the repetition, sir.” Shouldn't the first "Citizen" be replaced with "Steven"? I think Gerbil is wondering why the text says that the "assistant had used his first name to address him", but all the dialogue up to that point uses "Citizen" and not his first name. Actually, they've been identifying themselves as (Citizen/Division) (Number) (Name), and then they started saying "Citizen." It seems to me that the speech pattern is thus in public: the formal would be saying their whole name (CED 14 Brighton/Citizen Four Lesuvo [aka, Steven]/Citizen Three Valmont), while the familiar would be to simply call someone "Citizen." But anyways, great story/read. I raised my eyebrows at the fact that it's a 17-year-old kid who doesn't get sex-ed for another 5 semesters. I had to go back and double-check it. Far cry from how our society handles sex today, I guess. _________________ Formerly known as xBlackBeret Sacrilege, Eat Your Gods
Sun Feb 08, 2009 4:05 pm

xzaph Joined: Tue Jan 20, 2009 1:24 am Posts: 2860 Location: California, USA Steam Gamer Name: Aii	Re: Fiction - The Utopian xBlackBeret wrote: Actually, they've been identifying themselves as (Citizen/Division) (Number) (Name), and then they started saying "Citizen." It seems to me that the speech pattern is thus in public: the formal would be saying their whole name (CED 14 Brighton/Citizen Four Lesuvo [aka, Steven]/Citizen Three Valmont), while the familiar would be to simply call someone "Citizen." Except that it doesn't say "familiar", it specifically says "first name", so that sentence just really isn't going to sit well with most readers. Something along the lines of "he realized how colloquially the assistant had addressed him" or the like would work better and not provide such a disconnect.
Mon Feb 09, 2009 2:20 am

Jamoh Alpha Tester Joined: Fri Jan 30, 2009 10:14 pm Posts: 60 Steam Gamer Name: Jamoh	Re: Fiction - The Utopian It was pretty cool. I'm looking forward for more! Keep up the good work!
Tue Feb 10, 2009 12:00 pm

System_Crush Alpha Tester Joined: Mon Nov 24, 2008 2:03 pm Posts: 424 Location: Tripping in Holland	Re: Fiction - The Utopian So I finally took the time to read it and I must say, it's great; it's very Equilibrium(omg I spelled that correctly on the first try, a bad omen) which is good thing. _________________
Tue Feb 10, 2009 5:03 pm

HiRezTodd Hi-Rez Team Member Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2007 5:20 pm Posts: 268	Re: Fiction - The Utopian Quote: I think Gerbil is wondering why the text says that the "assistant had used his first name to address him", but all the dialogue up to that point uses "Citizen" and not his first name. Fixed. thanks.
Fri Feb 13, 2009 11:29 am

RedGiant Alpha Tester Joined: Tue Jun 17, 2008 12:23 am Posts: 36	Re: Fiction - The Utopian Quote: “and you have an uncanny knack for pinpointing disorder, don’t you?” You just couldn't resist could you Nathan _________________ Class: Robotics AIA Student -- Visual Game Programming
Wed Mar 04, 2009 1:53 pm

TJourney Beta Tester Joined: Mon May 18, 2009 7:52 am Posts: 453 Location: New Hampshire Steam Gamer Name: [IF]TJourney	Re: Fiction - The Utopian That was incredible, very good insight on the inner workings of Commonwealth society. I rubbed my hands together with glee when he declared the success of his objectives. I'm working on a fan fiction series based on the Global Agenda universe, and these writings will be extremely inspirational. The characteristics of Commonwealth society in this one in particular will be very useful as a study tool. Thanks to Nathan Knaack for the story!
Sat Jun 27, 2009 2:10 am

Thrakus Beta Tester Joined: Sat May 09, 2009 8:53 am Posts: 428 Steam Gamer Name: Thrakus	Re: Fiction - The Utopian TJourney wrote: That was incredible, very good insight on the inner workings of Commonwealth society. I rubbed my hands together with glee when he declared the success of his objectives. I'm working on a fan fiction series based on the Global Agenda universe, and these writings will be extremely inspirational. The characteristics of Commonwealth society in this one in particular will be very useful as a study tool. Thanks to Nathan Knaack for the story! Ditto! lol Yea this was a very nice build up story that I'm very interested to continue reading. I was a little disappointed at first when I thought there was no official story for GA, but reading this and one other really gives me hope there will not just be a story, but a very riveting one. I gotta finish all your stories so I can get to writing mine! whohoo!
Mon Jul 06, 2009 9:28 am

Saydian Joined: Mon Jul 13, 2009 9:16 pm Posts: 9 Location: Tempe, Arizona	Re: Fiction - The Utopian Nice addition to the storyline _________________ It costs nothing to be polite when you have to kill a man.
Mon Jul 13, 2009 10:13 pm

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Fiction - The Utopian

Author

Message

GL33k_Kidko

Joined: Mon Jun 30, 2008 12:30 pm
Posts: 341
Location: Austin, Texas

Re: Fiction - The Utopian

Hmm... I'd love a graphic novel adaptation!

_________________
Global Agenda Audio Designer 2007-09

Thu Feb 05, 2009 6:31 pm

Eucharos

Alpha Tester

Joined: Wed Oct 29, 2008 10:38 pm
Posts: 148
Location: IL (Home) / IA (School)
Steam Gamer Name: Cross

Re: Fiction - The Utopian

xzaph wrote:

TheRagingGerbil wrote:

Quote:

Sensing his colleague’s uneasiness, Markov interjected, “Citizen, do you enjoy your lessons here at the youth crèche?”

“I understand their relevance to my education,” he replied before the realization set in that the assistant had used his first name to address him. Swiveling in his chair to face Markov, he added, “but I abhor the repetition, sir.”

Shouldn't the first "Citizen" be replaced with "Steven"?

I think Gerbil is wondering why the text says that the "assistant had used his first name to address him", but all the dialogue up to that point uses "Citizen" and not his first name.

Actually, they've been identifying themselves as (Citizen/Division) (Number) (Name), and then they started saying "Citizen." It seems to me that the speech pattern is thus in public: the formal would be saying their whole name (CED 14 Brighton/Citizen Four Lesuvo [aka, Steven]/Citizen Three Valmont), while the familiar would be to simply call someone "Citizen."

But anyways, great story/read. I raised my eyebrows at the fact that it's a 17-year-old kid who doesn't get sex-ed for another 5 semesters. I had to go back and double-check it. :shock:

Far cry from how our society handles sex today, I guess.

_________________

Formerly known as xBlackBeret
Sacrilege, Eat Your Gods

Sun Feb 08, 2009 4:05 pm

xzaph

Joined: Tue Jan 20, 2009 1:24 am
Posts: 2860
Location: California, USA
Steam Gamer Name: Aii

Re: Fiction - The Utopian

xBlackBeret wrote:

Except that it doesn't say "familiar", it specifically says "first name", so that sentence just really isn't going to sit well with most readers. Something along the lines of "he realized how colloquially the assistant had addressed him" or the like would work better and not provide such a disconnect.

Mon Feb 09, 2009 2:20 am

Jamoh

Alpha Tester

Joined: Fri Jan 30, 2009 10:14 pm
Posts: 60
Steam Gamer Name: Jamoh

Re: Fiction - The Utopian

It was pretty cool. I'm looking forward for more! Keep up the good work!

Tue Feb 10, 2009 12:00 pm

System_Crush

Alpha Tester

Joined: Mon Nov 24, 2008 2:03 pm
Posts: 424
Location: Tripping in Holland

Re: Fiction - The Utopian

So I finally took the time to read it and I must say, it's great; it's very Equilibrium(omg I spelled that correctly on the first try, a bad omen) which is good thing.

_________________

Tue Feb 10, 2009 5:03 pm

HiRezTodd

Hi-Rez Team Member

Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2007 5:20 pm
Posts: 268

Re: Fiction - The Utopian

Quote:

I think Gerbil is wondering why the text says that the "assistant had used his first name to address him", but all the dialogue up to that point uses "Citizen" and not his first name.

Fixed. thanks.

Fri Feb 13, 2009 11:29 am

RedGiant

Alpha Tester

Joined: Tue Jun 17, 2008 12:23 am
Posts: 36

Re: Fiction - The Utopian

Quote:

“and you have an uncanny knack for pinpointing disorder, don’t you?”

You just couldn't resist could you Nathan

_________________
Class: Robotics
AIA Student -- Visual Game Programming

Wed Mar 04, 2009 1:53 pm

TJourney

Beta Tester

Joined: Mon May 18, 2009 7:52 am
Posts: 453
Location: New Hampshire
Steam Gamer Name: [IF]TJourney

Re: Fiction - The Utopian

That was incredible, very good insight on the inner workings of Commonwealth society. I rubbed my hands together with glee when he declared the success of his objectives.

I'm working on a fan fiction series based on the Global Agenda universe, and these writings will be extremely inspirational. The characteristics of Commonwealth society in this one in particular will be very useful as a study tool. Thanks to Nathan Knaack for the story!

Sat Jun 27, 2009 2:10 am

Thrakus

Beta Tester

Joined: Sat May 09, 2009 8:53 am
Posts: 428
Steam Gamer Name: Thrakus

Re: Fiction - The Utopian

TJourney wrote:

Ditto!
lol

Yea this was a very nice build up story that I'm very interested to continue reading.
I was a little disappointed at first when I thought there was no official story for GA, but reading this and one other really gives me hope there will not just be a story, but a very riveting one.

I gotta finish all your stories so I can get to writing mine! whohoo!

Mon Jul 06, 2009 9:28 am

Saydian

Joined: Mon Jul 13, 2009 9:16 pm
Posts: 9
Location: Tempe, Arizona

Re: Fiction - The Utopian

Nice addition to the storyline

_________________
It costs nothing to be polite when you have to kill a man.

Mon Jul 13, 2009 10:13 pm